A much-needed return to Old Coke

A satirical take on why we should go back to the drink that’s always had our backs

A great tragedy on college campuses is that our minds are constantly fueled by coffee, soda and other caffeine-filled products. Yet, everyday we fall asleep at our desks, complain about our tiredness and nap in desperate hope of a clearer thought process.

Everyday, we’re accepting a drug that isn’t working. If your doctor’s prescribed medication failed to cure your bronchitis, would you shrug your shoulders and order some more? No! You would find something different to cure your problem or at least significantly improve your condition. 

And for this particular problem, the answer is cocaine. The ‘Old Coke’ (c 1885) recipe including cocaine from a plant had its buyers buzzing for hours on end – working hard and more energetic than ever. Imagine walking into the library and feeling that contagious high from your fellow students, hard at work and eager to keep drinking their coke!

Radical ideas often inspire opposition because it’s hard for society to adjust to new norms. However, true thinkers know that one cannot solve a problem with the same thought-process as creating the problem. One must transcend the parameters of that problem – that is, think outside the box, or the can if you will.

Students aren’t naturally prone to lack of motivation – but sleep deprivation and stress can severely impact their performance in class and even their transition into the professional world. With this small adjustment to our ingestion, the benefits would be enormous – with virtually any hours of sleep, our students could be constantly at the pinnacle of success!

~Kristen Ziccarelli, Staff Writer~

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